Funny Hanukkah Jokes

Miriam, an old, Jewish grandmother was giving directions to her Jewish son who was coming to visit with his wife. It was the first time he had visited her since she had moved to her new apartment.

"You come to the front door of the condominium complex. I am in apartment 2B," Miriam says. "There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 2B. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 2. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Mother, that sounds easy," replies the grandson, "but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

Miriam gasps, "You're coming to visit me empty handed?"

Ella goes to the post office to buy stamps (she was hoping for funny stamps) for her Hanukkah cards and she says to the cashier, "Can I have 50 Hanukkah stamps?"

The cashier asks, "What denomination?"

"Oy vey, has it come to this?" Ella asks. "OK, give me three Orthodox, ten Conservative, and twenty Reform."

Instead of a "Start" button, it would say "Hurry Up, Already."

Your screen saver would have flying dreidels.

It would shut down automatically on Friday night, which was also casual Friday.

If your computer dies, you have to throw them away within 24 hours.

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors. - Sam Goldwyn

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up ... they have no holidays. - Henny Youngman

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada. - David Steinberg

God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change? - Shalom Aleichem

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. - Richard Lewis

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us 40 years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil. - Golda Meir

Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother. - Peter Malkin

Don't be humble; you are not that great. - Golda Meir

God will pardon me. It's His business. - Heinrich Heine

Following the modern trend of huge company mergers, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge! A holiday industry leader said at an office party that the deal had been in the works for thousands years.

According to their press release, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah will benefit both sides. We will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the projected holiday is being called.

Some layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being let go first. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the drediel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider customer base .

While they were at it, the translating of "A great miracle happened there," was changed to the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."

During the merger, it is believed that Jewish people will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the more pressing points that had been holding up the merger for the past 200 years was if Santa could have the milk and cookies after eating a hamburger.

Another breakthrough happened, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokeswoman for Christmas, wouldn't speak on camera about adding Kwanzaa in the near future. She merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. She then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

Levi was thinking about life and asked God how much a penny was worth in heaven because he was always told "A penny for your thoughts."

God said, "One million dollars."
Levi asked if time was the same. It wasn't.
Levi asked, "How long is a minute?"
God said, "A million years."
Levi thought about it and said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, in a minute."

My mother once gave me two pair of gloves and a two ugly sweaters for Hanukkah.
The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one pair of each.
As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

"Play it again, Sam" - H. Bogart, Casablanca parody by Joe Hample

You must remember this,
A bris is still a bris,
A chai is just a chai.
Pastrami still belongs on rye,
As time goes by.

With holidays in view,
A Jew is still a Jew,
On that you can rely.
No matter if we eat tofu
As time goes by.

Old shtetl customs, never out of date.
All those potatoes someone has to grate.
One flame in the window,
keep counting till there's eight
To light the winter sky.

In the Bronx or in the Mission,
It's still the same tradition,
That no one can deny.
We roam, but we recall our birthright,
As time goes by.

Dreidels and chocolate, never out of date.
Ancient Semitic glories to relate.
Blue-and-white giftwrap, ain't this country great,
And festive chazerai!

It's still the same old Torah,
It's still the same menorah,
We've latkes still to fry.
December's when I feel most Jewish,
As time goes by.

On the first night of Chanukah, my Jewish mother said,
You'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead.

On the second night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
Have a few more latkes,
But you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead.

On the third night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
Here's your chocolate dreidel,
Have a few more latkes,
But you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead.

On the fourth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
Taste my sugar cookies,
Here's your chocolate dreidel,
Have a few more latkes,
But you'd better lose weight or you'll be dead.

On the fifth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
Taste my sugar cookies,
Here's your chocolate dreidel,
Have a few more latkes,
But you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead.

On the sixth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
Don't you like the doughnuts?
YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
Taste my sugar cookies,
Here's your chocolate dreidel,
Have a few more latkes,
But you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead.

On the seventh night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
Take another brownie,
YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
Taste my sugar cookies,
Here's your chocolate dreidel,
Have a few more latkes, but
You'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the eighth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
Try my home-made strudel,
Take another brownie,
YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
Taste my sugar cookies,
Here's your chocolate dreidel,
Have a few more latkes, but
You'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead.

10. No roof damage from reindeer.
9. Never a silent night when you're among Jewish loved ones.
8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it.
7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocolate coins) on candle races.
6. You can use your fireplace.
5. Spin-the-dreidel games.
4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah.
3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth.
2. Cheer optional.
1. No Irving Berlin songs.

May love and light fill your home and heart at Hanukkah – Unknown

On Hanukkah, the first dark night,
Light yourself a candle bright.
I'll you, if you will me invite
To dance within that gentle light
– Nicholas Gordon

Hanukkah is about the spark of the divine in all of us made in God's image – Suzanne Fields

Is not Hanukkah a symbol of Israel, and its light a symbol of his immortality? – Leo Jung

We light candles in testament that faith makes miracles possible – Nachum Braverman

Blessed is the match consumed in kindling flame. Blessed is the flame that burns in the secret fastness of the heart – Hannah Senesh

Colorful candles burning bright, each lit on eight very special nights – Unknown

May the lights of Hanukkah usher in a better world for all humankind – Unknown

Just as Hanukkah candles are lighted one by one from a single flame, so the tale of the miracle is passed from one man to another, from one house to another, and to the whole House of Israel throughout the generations – Judah L. Magnes

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call – Richard Lewis