You Know You're Old When... Humorous Old-Age Jokes

You know you are 40 when you've been there and done that, but don't remember what that was.

You know you are old when you stop growing at both ends and start growing in the middle.

You know you are old when you can cough, fart, sneeze and pee at the same time.

You know you are old when you got to second base with a TSA screener.

You know you are old when the only females who pursue you are mosquitoes.

You know you are old when you are too old to learn new tricks but your old tricks work just as well.

You know you are 50 when you knew when the Dead Sea was only sick.

You know you are old when you go to the beach and turn a wonderful color: Blue. It's from holding your stomach in.

You know you are old when people tell you how good you look.

You know you are old when almost everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

You know you are old when the candles cost more than the cake.

You know you are old when you tell people you are retro.

You know you are old when you hear your favorite songs in an elevator.

You know you are old when you're told to slow down by your doctor and not the police.

You know you are 60 years old when you eat supper at 5 p.m.

You know you are 70 when you have a hard time locating the keys in your pocket and finding your cell phone when it rings, but you can find the snooze button from four feet away with your eyes closed.

You know you are old when the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling when your birthday candles are lit.

You know you are old when you write a note to yourself reminding you not to take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

You know you are 80 when your staying power is for the cake.

You know you are old when kidnappers aren't very interested in you.

You know you are old when people no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

You know you are old when there is nothing left to learn the hard way.

You know you are old when you are too old to care.

You know you are 100 years old when you see expensive antiques and you remember one just like it that you threw away.

You know you're old when you start lying about your children's ages.

You know you are old when you spot that first gray hair...on your kid.

You know you are old when work is a lot of fun, and fun is a lot of work.

You know you are old when you have sex on the first date because there might not be a second. Ever.

You know you are old when "Getting any?" means sleep.

You know you are old when the only thing that gets hard is arteries.

You know you are old when you can live without sex, but not your glasses.

You know you are old when you don't think about dying because it's the last thing you want to do.

You know you are old when eating right and exercising means you're going die anyway.

You know you are old when you live each day as it was your last. You'll get it right someday.

You know you are old when you read the obituary to check on your friends.

You know you are old when your investment in health insurance has paid off.

You know you are old when you say goodbye to tension and hello to pension.

You know you are old when your only problem with retirement is that you never get a day off.

You know you are old when you get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You know you are old when you still got it, but don't know what to do with it.

You know you are old when you see a cute guy and start to calculate if you could be his mom.

You know you are old when you keep some people's numbers just so you know not to answer.

You know you are old when you speed because you don't want to forget where you're going.

You know you are old when you've been diagnosed with CRS: Can't remember shit.

You know you are old when you stop searching for the meaning of life to focus on searching for your car keys.

You know you are old when you just smile and nod after asking, "What?You know you are old when you look down at your watch three consecutive times and still don't know what time it is.

You know you are old when your secrets are safe with your friends...because they won't remember them.

You know you are old when you buy pills to improve your memory but forget where you put them.

You know you are old when your brain cells are down to a manageable size.

You know you are old when your eyes won't get much worse.

You know you are old when you're young at heart, but you can't say the same for your other organs.

You know you are old when you don't exercise because you don't want to spill your coffee.

You know you're old when it's not men touching your boobs...it's the carpet.

You know you are old when your dreams are dry and your farts are wet.

You know you are old when your body changes and the only thing you occupy is the bathroom.

You know you are old when your joints are more accurate than the meteorologists.

You know you are old when your hips no longer set off the dance floor but the metal detectors.

You know you are old when Happy Hour is a nap.

You know you are old when you feel bad in the morning without staying out the night before.

You know you are old when you want to take back all those times you didn't nap when you were younger.

You know you are old when you have a hard time deciphering between boredom and hunger.

You know you are old when you no longer see speed limits as challenges.

Here are is a collection of stories about why we love and miss the innocence of youth. The way children come to some conclusions is hilarious at best. As we go into old age, it's hard to believe we were just like that at one time. Some say youth is a disease, we know that's not always true!

Nudity:

When I was driving with my cousins and my little brother in the back seat, a funny nude woman waved at us from a car. As I was recovering from my shock, my little 4-year-old brother said, "Sis, that lady forgot to put on her seatbelt.

A child was lost at the YMCA and wound up in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, everyone shrieked and told him to get out to which he replied, "Why are you scared? Haven't you seen a boy before?"

Police:

While writing a report near an elementary school, a little girl came up to me and asked if I was an officer. I said I was. She said her mom said if she ever needed help to find an officer or call the police. I told her that the mother was right.

"Well then," she said extending her foot, "can you help me tie my shoe?"

It was the end of my shift and I parked my cruiser in front of the station. As I picked up my equipment and dog, a boy asked if that was my dog.

"Yes," I said.

"What crime did he do?" the boy asked.

Elderly:

While working for a group that delivers meals to seniors, I decided to bring my 5-year-old niece. She was puzzled over the machines attached to the patients, the walkers, wheel chairs and canes they used. She spotted a pair of teeth in a jar. I prepared myself for the questions she would ask, but was surprised over her conclusion.

"The tooth and gravity fairy will never believe this!" she said.

Dress Up:

A little girl was watching her parents get ready for a party. She walked up to her dad and said, "Dad, don't wear that suit!"

"Why?" the father said.

"Because it always gives you a headache the next morning," she said.

School:

On the first week of school a little boy brought the teacher his homework. On top on the homework was a post-it note that read THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED BY OUR SON DO NOT IN ANY WAY REFLECT THOSE OF US, THE PARENTS.

After the first week of school, our daughter had enough.

"I am quitting kindergarten!" she announced.

"Why?" we asked.

"I can't read, I can't write and the teacher won't even let me talk!" she said.

Ketchup:

One day my aunt was struggling to get ketchup out of the bottle. She asked my cousin to answer the phone. My cousin picked up the phone and said, "My mom can't come to the phone. She's hitting the bottle." Then my cousin hung up and went back to playing with his toys.

Religion:

A child opened up a Bible and a few pressed leaves fell out. The boy went running to his mother.

"Mom," he said. "Look what I found in the old Bible, it's funny."

"What are they?" the mother asked.

"Isn't it obvious? They're Adam's underwear!" the boy said.

You know you are old when you realize old age doesn't last that long.

You know you are old when you can relate to the Seven Dwarfs of Old Age: Nappy, Wrinkly, Squinty, Rocky, Saggy, Leaky, and Farty!

You know you are old when you have to buy super-sized alphabet soup.

You know that you are old when being old doesn't feel so old anymore.