Humorous Quotes and Sayings for All Card-Sending Occasions

You know you're old when someone tells you to act your age and you die.
You know you're old when you owe Fred Flintstone money.
You know you're old when you did your driver's test on a brontosaurus.
You know you're old when you still have the apostles' addresses in your little black book.
You know you're old when you were waitressing at the Last Super.
You know you're old when you have a picture of Jesus in your yearbook.
You know you're old when you helped plant the first trees in Central Park.
You know you're old when you have an autographed Bible.
You know you're old when you remember when the Dead Sea was just ill.

A cat never comes home drunk when he comes home late.
You can stroke a cat without being expected into doing anything else.
Cats don't pretend to know how to fix things they can't.
It's okay if your cat sits in someone else's lap.
Cats are never late for dinner.
Your cat's ex will never stalk you.
Your cat won't leave you for a younger woman.
You don't have to pretend to like your cat's mother.
Cats don't hog the bathroom.
Cats won't question your spending habits.

You're such a skinny bitch that you have to run around the shower to get wet.
You're such a skinny bitch that you turned sideways and disappeared.
You're such a skinny bitch that you can dodge rain drops.
You're such a skinny bitch that your bra fits better backwards.
You're such a skinny bitch that you use chapstick for deodorant.
You're such a skinny bitch that your butt is just a back with a crack.

You know you have PMS when you consider chocolate a food group.
You know you have PMS when you scare terrorists.
I can bleed for five days and not die. What is your super power?
My greatest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
PMG and GPS together means a crazy bitch who will find you wherever you go.
I don't actually have PMS; everyone else just acts weird around me one week a month.
We don't know if the Virgin Mary had PMS, but she rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem.

I'm still hot, it just comes in flashes.
Menopause is just life's way of showing you that you don't want to go to hell.
What's 100 times worse than a woman in menopause? One hundred women in menopause.
I don't have hot flashes. My inner child is playing with matches.
These aren't hot flashes. They are power surges.
With female menopause, you gain weight. With male menopause, you drive a motorcycle.
My menopause can kick your PMS' ass.
I don't have hot flashes. I have mini vacations to the tropics.
Menopause fans have two settings: Flashing and not flashing.

A wet nose is a good thing.
No one says anything if you scratch yourself in public.
You don't have to comb your own hair or take a shower every day.
You're happy with just a bone and leftover food.
You never have to pick up the tab.
You're happy to see the same people every day.
If you get fat, it's someone else's fault, never yours.

A friend has never seen you cry.
A BFF has lent you a shoulder to cry on.

A friend hates when you call after she's gone to bed.
A BFF asks why it took you so long to call.

A friend asks if you're dating anyone.
A BFF has enough dating history info to blackmail you with.

A friend laughs at your bad joke.
A BFF tells you that it sucks.

A best friend asks you what music you like.
A BFF tells you that you have bad taste in music.

Finding your first grey hair is the opposite of getting your first period. But both are equally depressing.

Apparently restaurants don't like it when you walk behind the bar and try to make your own drink.

Listen, calling people names says a lot more about you than it does about them, you dumb-dumb.

Getting older is a walk in the park... where no one picks up after the dogs.

Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or an idiot from any direction.

They say a mirror never lies... I'm just grateful that they don't laugh.

If today is the first day of the rest of your life... what the heck was yesterday?

You know you're getting old when you have a hole between your boobs and it's called a belly button.

Is it still considered drinking alone if there are screaming children outside?

These are the top, famous birthday quotes to write on cards.

"Every year, on your birthday, you get a chance to start new" – Sammy Hagar

"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate" – Oprah

"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?" – Satchel Paige

"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing, 'Happy Birthday.'" – Steven Wright

"Presents don't really mean much to me. I don't want to sound mawkish, but it was the realization that I have a great many people in my life who love me, and who I really love" – Gabriel Byrne

"It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, I fyou ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm'" – Sam Levenson

"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake" – Mitch Hedberg

"It is lovely, when I forget all birthdays, including my own, to find that someone remembers me" – Ellen Glasgow

Here are the funniest quotes from the hit series 30 Rock.

Kenneth: We have ways of making people talk: By giving them fresh apple slices.

Jenna: Listen up, Fives. A Ten is speaking.

enna: Am I trying to instigate fights by throwing wine at people just to get on camera, and maybe also promote my new lifestyle website, Jennas-Side.com? Of course not. I mean, is wine-throwing something that even gets you on a reality show.

Angie: As you know, my single, "My Single is Dropping," is dropping.

Pete: Guys, a teacher preying on a student is wrong...if the teacher is male and the student is female. What happened to Frank is awesome. Standing ovation.

Jack: You know how the media are. They wait for a mistake and that's all you are. It happened to Hilter. No one ever talks about his paintings.

Liz: I want to roll my eyes right now, but the doctor says that if I keep doing it, my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs.

Liz: It doesn't matter how long you've lived in New York. It's still fun to look up and pretend all the buildings are giant severed robot penises.

Tracy: Thanks, Jack for coming to this emergency meeting. I'm sorry I'm four hours late, but my alarm clock didn't go off because it died in a funny cock fight last night.

Liz: If I could push a button and five people in the world would die, but I'd get free cable for life, I'd do it.

"I wish I had more back hair" – No One

"That Facebook post really made me rethink my stance on gun control" – No One

"My ex was so rational and sane" – No One

"I'm going to miss all the political jokes and commercials now the campaign is over" – No One

"I just love what the Palestinians have done with the Gaza Strip" – No One

"Wow, I have too much weed" – No One

"I love when Facebook changes everything once you've gotten used to it" – No One

"Maybe hooking up with my ex and having my ex to dinner was a good idea" – No One

Amazon is the go-to place for many products that either can't be found in stores, or many you're just too lazy to get dressed because you're looking at birthday cards for her (whoever "she" is) online at NobleWorks Cards. We too like Amazon, and wanted to share with you some of the best Amazon reviews and funniest quotes online that we came across! Now you have more time to look at funny vintage birthday cards!

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Here are some lovely quotes to inspire you to write your own love quotes. Remember, there is more than one way to say that you love someone!

I am rubber; you are glue and any feelings bounce off me and stick to you.

The other day I saw a girl drop her ice cream. When I stopped laughing, I realized that's how I feel like when you don't call.

I saw you in the morning, on the toilet and I didn't run screaming. There.

Hug me. If you let go, you lose.

I love you like two naked people love running through a field.

You are the hole in my doughnut.

I am the funny pork joke, you are the beans

If you were a hilarious margarita, I'd drink you by the bucket.

I really like, like, like, like you!

I'll still have sex with you even when you're old, fat and ugly.

I love you, but everyone else can kiss my ass.

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." – Abraham Lincoln, president

"The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything: the young know everything." – Oscar Wilde

"It takes a long time to grow young." – Pablo Picasso, painter of famous paintings

"Your birthday is a special time to celebrate the gift of 'you' to the world." – Unknown

"The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." – Lucille Ball

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age." – Robert Frost

"May you live to be 100 and may the last voice you hear be mine." – Frank Sinatra

"All I know is that I am not a Marxist." – Karl Marx

"I never wrote a song in my life. I get one-third of the credit for recording it. It makes me look smarter than I am. I never even had an idea for a song." – Elvis Presley

"Be very careful about your cape. Don't use it for sexual high jinks. It can get ugly-trust me. Also be careful when flushing." – Adam West, Batman

"As a child, I dragged a dead squirrel home on a skateboard, cut it open and tried to look at its brain." – Jessica Biel

The day Einstein spoke of is finally here.

A beautiful day at the beach with your best friend.

A romantic date.

A passionate kiss between lovers.

Your wedding, a day you will cherish and remember forever.

Having fun with your friends at a party.

A day out with your bestie for some much needed shop therapy.

A day out with your friend in the park.

Betty White is a funny chick. Most people know her from her show the Golden Girls about three women living together and using sexual innuendos to cross the line when it came to funny, dirty jokes. Stay golden, Betty!

8. "Doctors say a glass of wine a day can extend your life," – Betty White

7. "Try not to die,"--Betty White

6. "Why do some people say, 'grow some balls'? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you want to be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding,"--Betty White

5. "Just saw the first Christmas commerical of the season. It really got me into the spirit of murdering people,"--Betty White

4. "If I had a dick, this is where I'd tell you to suck it,"--Betty White

3. "At my age, if I want to keep in touch with old friends, I need a Ouija board,"-- Betty White

2. "I'm still just as horny as I've ever been,"-- Betty White

1. "For a couple of guys who claim they are against homosexuality, Mitt Rodney and Paul Ryan sure seem to hate vaginas.

"Romance novels are birthday cake and life is often peanut butter and jelly. I think everyone should have lots of delicious romance novels lying around for those times when the peanut butter of life gets stuck to the roof of your mouth." – Janet Evanovich

"With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come." – William Shakespeare

"When I turn thirty, in thirty days or so, I might be feeling old, so I'll probably call my grandma up, because as old as I'll feel, she'll be feeling older. Twelve years older.
" – Jarod Kintz

"I grabbed a pile of dust, and holding it up, foolishly asked for as many birthdays as the grains of dust, I forgot to ask that they be years of youth. " – Ovid, Metamorphoses

"You were born, and with you endless possibilities - very few ever to be realized. It's okay. Life was never about what you could do, but what you would do. " – Richelle E. Goodrich

"The cake had a trick candle that wouldn't go out, so I didn't get my wish. Which was just that it would always be like this, that my life could be a party just for me." – Janet Fitch, White Oleander

"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken." – Chuck Palahniuk

"I think it's ironic that for once dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas." – Nancy Cartwright

"She was a great kid...a hard worker and team player. She wasn't a starter, but worked her butt off to make the team better. She always showed up with a smile and was ready to work, no matter what the conditions were." – Bruce Myers

"Here is my journey's end, here is my butt; and very sea-mark of my utmost sail." – William Shakespeare

"I'm their mom, I'm their worst enemy, I'm the person that kicks them in the butt. It's different roles for different students." – Anne Haverland

"I like to be hot, when I'm cold it's a little harder for me to shake my butt." – Michael Stipe

"It is important when you haven't got any ammunition to have a butt on your rifle." – Winston Churchill

"I'll make it short and sweet. I don't have much to say. I mean, we got our butts kicked and we need to play better and we've got to fight harder. And give a lot of credit to the Colts. They played really well. I think we just made too many mistakes, and there's a lot of football left. We're 4-4. We've got a lot of division games and hopefully we can turn it around. But the Colts certainly outplayed us. They were the better team [Monday night]. And that's it. Thank you." – Tom Brady

"I made sure no butt cheek hung out...you know, the original Daisy, Catherine Bach's shorts were shorter than mine." – Jessica Simpson

"I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that." – Christie Brinkley

"Nobody's kissing my ass, unfortunately. I could use a little. But then again, my personality isn't conducive to butt-kissing." – Christina Ricci

"My butt does not deserve a website." – Bart Simpson

"I kick butt." – Michelle Rodriguez

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already." – Dave Barry

"Romance novels are birthday cake and life is often peanut butter and jelly. I think everyone should have lots of delicious romance novels lying around for those times when the peanut butter of life gets stuck to the roof of your mouth." – Janet Evanovich

"Oh, it can't be a reference to the fact Harry is a great Seeker, that's way too obvious. There must be a secret message from Dumbledore hidden in the icing!" – J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

"I tried to explain as much as I could," Poppet says. "I think I made an analogy about cake."
"Well, that must have worked," Widget says. "Who doesn't like a good cake analogy?" – Erin Morgenstern, The Night Circus

"The event happened on my birthday. I don't remember the date, I only know it was my birthday because there was no cake or presents." – Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

"I think they're going to force us to eat lots of cake and then take an unreasonably long nap." – Veronica Roth, Insurgent

"I suppose I wanted to have my cake and eat it. But then again, what were you going to do with your cake if not eat it? Frame it? Use it as a sachet in your underwear drawer?" – Marian Keyes, Watermelon

"The area was encompassed in a bubble of warm, fragrant steam from the funnel cake deep fryers. It smelled like sweet vanilla cake batter you licked off a spoon." – Sarah Addison Allen, The Sugar Queen

"A cat can be trusted to purr when she is pleased, which is more than can be said for human beings." – William Ralph Inge

"A cat determined not to be found can fold itself up like a pocket handkerchief if it wants to." – Louis J. Camuti

"A cat is a lion in a jungle of small bushes." – Indian Proverb

"A cat is a tiger that is fed by hand." – Proverb

"A cat is an example of sophistication minus civilization." – Anonymous

"A pussy cat isn't fussy - just so long as you remember he likes his milk in the shallow, rose-patterned saucer and his fish on the blue plate. From which he will take it, and eat it off the floor." – Arthur Bridges

"A cat pours his body on the floor like water." – William Lyon Phelps

"A catless writer is almost inconceivable. It's a perverse taste, really, since it would be easier to write with a herd of buffalo in the room than even one cat; they make nests in the notes and bite the end of the pen and walk on the typewriter keys." – Barbara Holland

"A cat's got her own opinion of human beings. She don't say much, but you can tell enough to make you anxious not to hear the whole of it." – Jerome K. Jerome

"A dog, I have always said, is prose; a cat is a poem." – Jean Burden

"A kitten is the most irresistible comedian in the world. Its wide-open eyes gleam with wonder and mirth. It darts madly at nothing at all, and then, as though suddenly checked in the pursuit, prances sideways on its hind legs with ridiculous agility and zeal." – Agnes Repplier

"A meow massages the heart." – Stuart McMillan

"After scolding one's cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference." – Charlotte Gray

"Although all cat games have their rules and rituals, these vary with the individual player. The cat, of course, never breaks a rule. If it does not follow precedent, that simply means it has created a new rule and it is up to you to learn it quickly if you want the game to continue." – Sidney Denham

"An ordinary kitten will ask more questions than any five year old." – Carl Van Vechten

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." – Ellen Perry Berkeley

"Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, wise creatures, and cats like authors for the same reasons." – Robertson Davies

"By and large, people who enjoy teaching animals to roll over will find themselves happier with a dog." – Barbara Holland

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man." – Mark Twain

"Meow" means "woof" in cat." – George Carlin

"Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods." – Christopher Hitchens

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." – Groucho Marx

"Happiness is a warm puppy." – Charles M. Schulz

"Dogs never bite me. Just humans." – Marilyn Monroe

"Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring--it was peace." – Milan Kundera

"I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals." – Winston Churchill

"If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much." – Mark Twain

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." – Josh Billings

"Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." – Mark Twain

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." – Will Rogers

"A bone to the dog is not charity. Charity is the bone shared with the dog, when you are just as hungry as the dog." – Jack London

"All his life he tried to be a good person. Many times, however, he failed.
For after all, he was only human. He wasn't a dog." – Charles M. Schulz

"The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's." – Mark Twain

"You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog." – David Foster Wallace

"You think those dogs will not be in heaven! I tell you they will be there long before any of us." – Robert Louis Stevenson

"If you don't own a dog, at least one, there is not necessarily anything wrong with you, but there may be something wrong with your life." – Roger Caras

"Dogs have given us their absolute all. We are the center of their universe. We are the focus of their love and faith and trust. They serve us in return for scraps. It is without a doubt the best deal man has ever made. " – Roger Caras

"Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun." – Groucho Marx

"The only creatures that are evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants." – Johnny Depp

"Petting, scratching, and cuddling a dog could be as soothing to the mind and heart as deep meditation and almost as good for the soul as prayer." – Dean Koontz

"The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs." – Charles de Gaulle

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." – Dave Barry

"The more boys I meet the more I love my dog." – Carrie Underwood

"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." – Woodrow Wilson

"My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don't get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk." – Jarod Kintz

"Dating sucks, but being single sucks a little bit more." – Unknown

"The trouble with women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then marry him." – Unknown

"A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe." – Rita Rudner

"A relationship isn't a test, so why cheat?"

"You look a lot like my future dream date." – Unknown

"Don't cry for a man who's left you you; the next one may fall for your smile." – Mae West

"If you don't know how to treat a lady, don't date one." – Unknown

"Don't date the most beautiful girl in the world. Date the girl who makes your world the most beautiful." – Unknown

"The problem with guys is they pretend to like you when they don't. The problem with girls is they pretend they don't like you when they do." – Unknown

"A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him." – Brendan Francis

"True love is the outward demonstration of inward conviction." – Unknown

"Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." – Joseph Addison

"The life and love we create is the life and love we live." – Leo Buscaglia

"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." – Rita Rudner

"A first date is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you." – Unknown

Yours 'til the cows come home

Rock on

Go with God

May the force be with you

Hugs, love and pogo sticks

Shine on, star!

Au revoir

Viva la revolucion

Did you fart?

See you in the inbox

Joy is a choice

Take care and don't forget to comb your hair

Peace, love and chocolate candy

Your pet

I'll leave it to you