Cards Featuring Funny Jokes, Dirty Jokes and Adult Humor

Once there was a teacher who wanted to see how her students associated flavors with color for a class project. She had all the children Life Savers and asked them what each color tasted like.

Orange was orange,yellow was lemon, green was lime and red was cherry. Then she gave the class honey Life Savers. None of the children could guess the taste.

She decided to give them a hint, 'It is what your mother may call your father.'

A little girl gasped, spit her candy out and screamed, 'Everyone stop! They're assholes!'

The teacher had to walk out of the classroom to keep from laughing.

Funny Atom Jokes

Don't ever believe anything an atom says. They make everything up.

A Physicist, Engineer and Statistician Go Hunting

A physicist, engineer and a statistician go hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 30 feet away.

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands short.

The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance to his hunt, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands past the deer.

The statistician yells, "We shot him!"

The Chemistry Student and the Genie

A genius high school chemistry student takes a test, and is dismayed to find that he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his University of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was "How many valence electrons does a hydrogen atom have?" In his haste to complete the test, he had answered "two."

Depressed, he takes a walk alone along a beach, and is lost in thought when he trips on a metal object in the sand. Picking it up, he finds it to be a brass oil lamp, and as his fingers brush the surface a genie suddenly appears! The genie says, "I can grant you any one wish, but you must answer now. What do you desire?" The student immediately replies, "I wish I had gotten that question right," and the universe explodes.

The Engineers and the Balloon

Two engineers win a balloon ride. They decide to take a nice flight over London. After a while, they get lost. They float around for a while, when they suddenly see a man standing in a field.

"Hey you!" they yell. "Where are we?"

The man stands there for a while, pondering. Then he says, "You're in a hot air balloon." He then turns around and walks away.

"Well, that man was a mathematician," says one engineer. "Why?" asks the other. "First, he took a while to figure out the answer. Second, the answer was completely logical and true. Third, the answer was totally and utterly useless."

We should have all the elderly in jail instead of nursing homes and all the criminals in nursing homes. Why? This would give the elderly access to daily showers, recreational activities and free cable TV. Prescription drugs, dental treatment, medicine and wheelchairs would all be at their disposal.

They would receive prison money instead of having to pay for their stay. With all the cameras monitoring them, they would be helped as soon as they needed it. Guards would check on them every 20 minutes.

Bedding would be washed every week and all their clothes are washed, ironed and returned to them. They could go to the library and see funny library cards or church whenever they wanted.

They would get daily phone calls from family and friends. ACLU would protect them and defend their rights.

Now, let's talk about the criminals. They would get cold food, would only get to shower once a week. They would live in tiny rooms that cost them $2,000 a month that they would have no hope of ever getting out of. What's better than that, other than a gay prison card?

People ask me what retired people do for fun. The other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen an effin'break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a jerk. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a stupid pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 10 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. My bus arrived and I went home.

Say you're an ill senior citizen and the government tells you there is no nursing home available for you. What are you going to do?

Our idea is to give anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot a few bad politicians.

However, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning, plus all the health care you need!

Need new crowns? No problem. Far sighted? That's covered. Need a new hip or knees? They're all covered.

Your kids and grandchildren can come and visit you as often as they do now.

You're probably wondering who will be paying for all of this? It's the same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

And you can get rid of a few useless politicians while you are at it. You're bound to feel better soon.

Since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore and you'll never get selected for jury duty. Is this a great country or what? You'll probably even get health food!

There was once an old couple that couldn't remember much. They went to the doctor to see if anything was wrong with them, but the doctor said there was nothing out of the ordinary. He suggested that they write stuff down.Later that night they were watching TV and the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He said, "To the kitchen."

She asked him, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He smiled and said, "Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asked.

"No, I can remember that," he said.

She then said, "Well, I also would like some strawberries. You had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that."

"I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries," he quipped back.

"Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top of strawberries. I know you'll forget that so you'd better write it down!" she said.

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then went fuming into the kitchen.

Fifteen minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."

A little old lady was pulled over for speeding. Her motto in life was "You're only as old as you feel." The officer on duty asked to see her old lady license and registration.

"I don't have one. It was taken away from me three years ago for drunk driving," the old lady said.

"And who is your car registered to?" the officer asked.

"Oh, I'm not sure. It's stolen, you see," the old lady said.

"Who stole it?" the officer asked.

"I did, silly. I hacked up the owner and put all his bits in the trunk in plastic bags. You can have a look at it yourself. I haven't had time to bury them yet," she said.

"Step out of the vehicle, please!" the officer screamed.

She stepped out of the car and called for backup. Three more cop cars arrived.

"What's the problem officer?" she asked.

"Please open your trunk," the second officer said.

She opened the trunk, which was empty.

"Is this your car, ma'am?" the officer asked.

"Yes, here are the registration papers," she said handing him the papers.

The cop was taken aback.

"Do you have a driver's license?" the second officer asked.

"Of course," she said.

The cop looked at her license.

"I am puzzled why the other officer said you didn't have a license, stole a car, murdered someone and chopped up the body," said the second officer.

"Bet the lying fink said I was speeding too," she said.

What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.

Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible...Is that true? Yes. Matthew 14:92: Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt.

Is it common for 65-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them? Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help from Depends

The Bee Gees ---
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack ---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon ---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times...To The Bathroom

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping

Abba ---
Denture Queen

Leslie Gore ---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining 16 holes with ease.

As they were walking off number 18, the second guy was busy counting his $80.

He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square, and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation ... and, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"

BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"It would have killed you to become a doctor?"

BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica.

A childless, poor, single Jewish man who lives with his deaf mother, prays to God to improve his life.

God is very pleased with him but tells him he will only grant him one prayer.

The Jewish man says, "Okay. My one and only wish is for my mother to hear my daughter play the violin at Carnegie Hall before heading to her NYU graduation party in our five million dollar condo that my beautiful wife has planned."

God said, "I still have a lot to remember about keeping promises to the Jews."

I just came back from a pleasure trip. I dropped my Jewish mother-in-law off at the airport.

Oy vey. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to be in love with the same man for 30 years. But it would be very unlucky if my husband found out.

We always hold hands. If he lets go, I shop.

My husband and I spent the night in the same room we had our honeymoon at, but I spent most of the time in the bathroom crying.

We got a waterbed. I call it the Dead Sea.

My friend was at the beauty shop for an hour. That was only for the estimate.

The doctor gave my boyfriend 3 months to live. Because of his bad credit, he couldn't get a loan to pay the hospital bill so the doctor gave him an extra six months.

A Jewish doctor told a sick man he'd live to be 80. The man said he was 80. "See? What did I tell you?" the doctor said.

A funny drunk woman was brought to court and the judge told her, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk lady said, "All right, let's get started!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They think they're worth it.

Behavioral scientists found out why Jewish and Catholic women like Chinese food so much. The study showed that "won ton" backwards spelled, "not now."

Why don't Jewish mothers like to drink? It messes up with their suffering.

A Jewish boy was happy to get a part in a play. He told his mother he got the role of the Jewish husband. "No," the mother said. "Go back and demand a speaking part!"

Why are Jewish males all circumcised? Because Jewish women don't accept anything that isn't at least 15 percent off.

A teacher asked little Johnny what he did at Christmas time.

"Well, Ms. Brown, I and my 12 brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put up mince pies by the back entrance and hang stockings. Then we go to bed full of Christmas excitement as we wait for Father Christmas.

"How nice, Johnny," she said. "Now, Taylor, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Ms. Brown, I and my sisters also go to church with Mom and Dad tosing church hymns getting home late and hanging up stockings," said little Taylor.

Not wanting to leave the little Jewish boy out, Ms. Brown asked what he did for Christmas.

"It's about the same every year. Dad comes home from the office, and we pile into the Bentley and drive to Dad's funny toy factory to look at the empty shelves. We sing, 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus,' and then go the Bahamas," said the little Jewish boy.

Catholic priest and a Rabbi had a terrible head-on car accident. Their vehicles got completely wrecked, yet somehow both of them made out of it without a single scratch.

"Praise God we are alive!" said the priest.

"You are right," replied rabbi. "Despite differences in our faith, I think God was protecting us and wanted us alive. You know what, let's have a drink in honor of reconcilement of our religions!"

The rabbi announced, took out his flask and passed it to the priest, who with just a little hesitation drunk few gulps from it. The priest gave rabbi his flask back, and to his surprise, rabbi hid it back in his coat.

"Aren't you drinking with me?" asked the priest.

"Nah, I will wait for the police to show up first."

Tim goes to confession, "Forgive me father for I have sinned with a woman."

The priest asks,"Did you have relations with Mary Flannery?"

"No, father I did not."

"Did you have relations with Annie O'Malley?"

"No, father I did not."

"Did you have relations with Betty O'Rourke?"

"No, father I did not."

"Well then, son, for your penance say five Hail Marys and one Our Father."

Tim goes and sits in the pew next to his friend Tom. "Well Tim, what did you get?" "I got five Hail Marys, one Our Father, and three good leads."

A few people were against a mosque being built in a Canadian town. One man threw in his own opinion:

I am saddened that several members of my community are against a mosque being built in our beautiful town. Our goal should be to welcome other people and show tolerance for different religions and cultures. Therefore, the mosque should be allowed and people need to be tolerant.

We also should be tolerant of night clubs. I propose that at least two strip clubs be built near the mosque so promote tolerance from within the mosque itself.

One of the clubs, the gay one with funny strippers, could be called 'U Mecca Me Happy.'

This neighborhood also needs a lingerie store called 'Victoria Has No Secrets,' with sexy mannequins in the windows.

A new Irish bar ought to be opened in the neighborhood too. We could call it 'Morehammered.'

All these things would help Muslims promote the same tolerance they ask of us so their mosque plans will not be an issue for others.

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger temple that would pay him more. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular, and everyone was suddenly quiet.

James Frank, who owns several car dealerships in Manhattan, stands up and proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda to drive their children!" The congregation applauds.

Jenna Cohen, a lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally see his children get their college tuition for law school paid for!"

The room applauds.

Elle Rubin, age 78, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

Complete silence sweeps the room.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Elle's equally old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide his face as she speaks.

"I asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him.'"

Jesus was walking around Jerusalem one sunny afternoon when he decided that he should get a new robe.

He looked around for while and then saw a sign for Finkstein the Tailor, Jesus walked in and requested a new robe.

A few days later, Jesus tried it on and it fit perfectly. He asked how much he owed for it. Finkstein would not accept his money and said, "For the Son of God, there is no charge. However, I asked that you mention your nice new robe was made by Finkstein the Tailor."

Jesus smiled and as mentioned the tailor whenever he got the chance.

Months later, Jesus was walking through the town and noticed a huge line of people waiting for Finkstein's clothes.

He moved through the crowd and Finkstein told him how great business was and asked if he would like a partnership.

"Certainly," said Jesus. "Jesus and Finkstein it is!"

"No, no. Finkstein and Jesus...I am the craftsman, after all."

The two argued for a bit.

They finally settled on an acceptable compromise.

A new sign went over Finkstein's shop:

A crew of U.S. Navy men were on leave in Mississippi for a week when they received an invitation from the spouse of an influential Politian whose wealth traced back to cotton and plantation crops. She wrote the captain a short note:

Dear Captain,

On Friday, my daughter Ella will have her Debutante Ball. It would please me for you to send four of your most professional, handsome and unmarried officers in their formal attire to escort her there. We will pay for all their food and expenses for the night. They should arrive at 8 p.m. to the return address on this letter and be prepared for a night of Southern conversation. One last note, no Jews, please.

The captain replied,

Ma'am,

Thank you for the invitation. In order to accommodate you I will be sending four of my best and smartest officers. One is a lieutenant and a graduate of University of California, Berkeley, with a master's in engineering, another has a bachelor's degree in aeronautical engineering, the third one has a master's degree in chemical engineering from the Texas Tech, and the final officer is a doctor with a PhD from Columbia University. Not only are all these men smart and handsome, they are also complete gentlemen.

Ella's mother was excited and when she opened the door at 8 p.m., her happy demeanor turned to disappointment when she opened the door to the four handsome, well-dressed men.

"There must be a mistake," she said to the four smiling, black officers.

"No, ma'am," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes a mistake. Where is Ella?"

While in Rome, I noticed a large marble column in St. Peter's with a golden phone on it. As a young priest passed by, I asked who the phone was for. The priest told me it was a direct line to heaven, and if I'd like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. I was amazed, but declined the offer even after they said they could hold my calls.

Throughout Italy, I kept seeing the same golden phone on a marble column. At each, I asked about it and the answer was always the same: It was a direct line to heaven with virgins and I could call for a thousand dollars.

I continued my tour and then traveled Israel. I decided to attend temple services at a local synagogue. When I walked in the door I noticed the golden phone. Underneath it there was a sign stating: "DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN: 25 cents."

"Rabbi," I said, "I have been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited, I've seen phones exactly like this one. But the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?"

The rabbi smiled and said, "It's a local call."

The one thing that helped me wake up this morning was knowing I won't remember anything I did last night.

Drinking alcohol will cause the brain and the mouth to function independently.

Life, if you're going to give lemons, then give me some sugar and vodka because that that lemonade would taste horrible.

"Drink Responsibly" means don't spill it.

Experts say a 1,500 calorie diet is best. For people who aren't good at math, that's a 12 pack of 125 beers. You're welcome!

I caress your round shape and put my face up to your pink flesh. Oh, watermelon, how I love you!

911 Dispatcher: 911, what is your emergency?
Man: Two girls are fighting over me.
911 Dispatcher: What's the emergency, though?
Man: The ugly one is winning.

What is the difference between you and a rooster? The roster goes, "Cock-a-doodle-do." You say, "Any cock will do."

If my memory gets any worse I'll be able to plan my own surprise party.

I'm not saying she's a slut, but she's had more people inside her than the statue of liberty.

Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send me $25 and a self addressed envelope.

I want to take a yoga class, but I can't trust my farts.

Gifts Cards: The polite way to tell people to buy their own damn gift.

For all you people who don't like my funny Facebook comments, I got you a present. See the mistletoe above my ass?

Dear Santa: If you promise to give me what I want, I promise to give you the antidote for cookies you ate.

Dear Santa: A good girl with naughty thoughts is still a good girl, right?

Can I have your picture, So Santa Claus knows exactly what to give me on this CHRISTMAS.

The real magic of Christmas is how quickly money vanishes from my wallet.

It's Halloween again! Once again I will buy candy, turn off the lights and hope the Trick-or-Treaters think I'm not home.

Zombies are looking for someone with brains. So, I finally found a man!

What's with all the looks? I'm just in line with 4 bags of candy, rat poison and some razers.

You know you're old when someone is wearing your clothes as a custom.

This is my custom! I'm a nudist.

I will be a ghost this year for all the boos at the bar.

I bet you wanna see my pumpkins!

Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.

I hate people who steal my ideas, before I think of them.

A babysitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers!

I wonder if Chinese tourists get upset when they buy a souvenir from America and find out it was made in China!

They say shitting is a call of nature! Does that mean farting is a text?

I really hate when someone makes plans with me, then cancels them last minute. Bitch, I even showered for you!

Sunday Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.

On being fat: it lowers your chances of being kidnapped.

I hate when women say their body's "shaped like a Coke bottle" and fail to mention that bottle is a 3 liter!

I have been fired by Pepsi. I tested positive for Coke.

Your password has expired - you must get a new one.
Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?
You must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.
Can I use the old one and just re-register it?
No, you must get a new one.
I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.
Sorry, you must get a new one.
OK, roses.
Sorry you must use more letters.
OK, pretty roses
No good, you must use at least one numerical character.
OK, 1 pretty rose
Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.
OK, 1prettyrose
Sorry, you must use additional characters.
OK, 1fuckingprettyrose
Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.
OK,1FUCKINGprettyrose
Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.
OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose
Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.
OK, 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow
Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used

Once there was a man who was employed at a pickle company. He worked close to the pickle slicer, and after years of working the same position looking at dirty cucumbers all day, he started to become obsessed with the pickle slicer. He could think of nothing else but that.

One day, when everyone else was off to lunch, he jumped on the pickle slicer. He kissed the pickle slicer passionately and put his little penis inside it. Unfortunately, his boss happened to be in the factory and walked by him as he was doing it.

He came home and told his wife that he was fired from work at the pickle company that he worked at for so long because he put his penis in the slicer.

The wife pulled down his pants after he told her, but didn't notice anything different.

"Well, it's a good thing you weren't hurt," she said. "But what happened to the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, the boss fired her from work too," the man said.

There was an older man who married a much younger woman. They claimed to love each other very much, but their sex life was horrible. The woman never even had an orgasm, so they went to a sex counselor for advice.

The counselor said to hire a strapping young man, and have him massage her foot while the two of them made love. Despite his massaging, nothing happens.

They go back to the counselor who tells them to revise the scenario, with the old man massaging and the young man having sex with her.

The young man went to it with vigor. They were like two animals tearing into each other as they made passionate love. The wife screamed in ecstasy.

When it was over, the old man told him, "Now that's how you do a foot massage!"

So there's this guy grocery shopping at one of those Targets that have a produce section, but that's not important. What is important is that a beautiful lady walked up to him.

"Sir," she said. "This will sound odd, but I think you're the father of one of my kids."

"WHAT? Are you sure?" the man screamed, dropping his apples.

"Yes, I remember you, " she started, but before she could finish he suddenly had a flash back.

Yes, those big breasts, tender lips, she was just like the sexy stripper from Justin's bachelor party, which was so boring that everyone left without Justin.

"You're the dancer I took home from the bachelor party! We had sex for hours while your roommate video taped us and then I made her delete because I didn't want my wife to find out. Wow, it's not surprising you got pregnant," the man said.

"No, I meant I think you're the father Keston who's my English student," she said.

A woman had been in a coma for four years. A nurse was giving her a sponge bath when her vital signs spiked. She touched the woman's lady bits, and the vital signs spiked again.

The next time the husband of the patient visited, the nurse told him that maybe good oral sex might wake her from the coma. The husband didn't know what to think, but they said it would be all right, and closed the curtains for privacy.

They hear the woman's heart beat flatline and see the husband zipping his pants.

"I believe she chocked," he said.

Once there was a man named Jason who was confused with another Jason with the same last name. This Jason was supposed to be having a vasectomy, but when he came out of surgery, his big cock was gone.

He found out he had been mixed up with Jason who was having a sex change.

"I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!" the man cried.

"Yes, you can," said the doctor. "It will just have to come from someone else."

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the funny cop has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

The next time you strap on a pair of gloves, remember this story:
A dentist saw his older patient was nervous so he told her a joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how these are made?" he asked her.

"That I don't," she said.

"People with all sized hands have their hands covered in latex. Then they are peeled off and put into matching bins," he lied.

She sat there for a moment and burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was imagining how condoms are made," she said.

Lesson: You have to watch out for those older ladies and their condom sense.

There was once a priest in a small town who kept a big rooster and the ten hens behind the church.

One Sunday morning right before mass, he went to feed the birds and saw that the cock was missing.

He knew some people in the twon had cock fights and worried for the safety of his bird and needed to question the parishioners of his church.

During mass, he asked the congregation, '"Has anybody got a cock?"

Of course, all the men stood up.

"No, no,'" he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a big cock?"

Some of the women stood up.

"No, no," he sighed, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

Ten altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

Jason was a man's man who had hilarious tattoos, strong muscles and he even did martial arts. He rode around in a red, manly, yet funny, motorcycle. One day, he saw a group of people blocking the bridge. He weaved through traffic and that's when he saw her.

A girl was about to jump off the bridge into the icy waters below.

While he didn't like to show his sensitive side, he did know he had to do something.

"Listen," Jason called out to her. "Before you jump, can I get a last kiss?"

"Why?" the girl asked.

"Because you can't leave this world without giving Jason here one of your best kisses," Jason said smugly.

She moved closer to him, he came up to the edge, and received one of the best kisses he had ever had.

"Now, why are you trying to kill yourself?" he asked.

"My family doesn't accept me because try to dress like a girl," he/she said.

Luckily, there were some fishermen who were able to get her out of the water a few minutes later.

A Japanese couple was in the middle of an argument over ways to experience extremely erotic sex.

"Sukitaki," says the husband.

"Kowanini!" screams the wife.

"Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!" the husband replies pointing at the bed.

Wife on her knees (literally begging), "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

"Na miaou kina tim kouji!" the husband says happily.

And YOU sitting here, reading this... as if you can understand Japanese!

Unbelievable!

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette are trapped on a desert island. A genie in a bottle washes up on shore one day. The blonde rubs it, and a genie pops out. The genie tells them that he normally only gives out three wishes to one person, but since there are three of them he will give them each one wish.

"I want to go home," the brunette says. Bam! She's gone.

"I want to go home too," the redhead says. Bam! She's gone.

"I'm so lonely here," the blonde says. "I wish my friends were here."

A man has been stranded on a desert island for 5 years. One day, he sees a small boat and a woman jumps out and secures the boat to a tree. She walks over to him and asks if there is anyone else on the island.

"No, just me," says the man.

The woman takes a box of cigarettes out of her pocket.

"How long has it been since you had a smoke?" she asks.

"Five years," says the man, who takes a cigarette from her.

"How long has it been since you had a drink?" she asks.

"Five years!" the man says. She takes out a flask of alcohol.

"This is amazing!" the man says.

"And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" she asks unbuttoning her shirt.

"Oh, man! You have golf clubs in there?" he asks.

One day, a young man is the lone survivor of a shipwreck. He swims to a desert island. To his surprise, there is another person on the island: Jessica Alba.

After a few weeks come and go, it seems that there will be no one to rescue them. They become intimate. One day, Jessica sees him walking around looking sad.

She asks him what's wrong.

"Can I ask you a favor? It might sound strange," he asks.

"Sure," Jessica says.

"Can you draw a mustache on your face and wear a hat?" he asks.

"Oh...okay," Jessica says.

Jessica puts on the hat and mustache. The young man is suddenly happy.

"Can I call you Jason?" he asks.

"Go for it," Jessica says.

"Jason, you won't believe who I'm banging!" he says.

Three people are stranded on a desert island: a biologist, an engineer and an economist. One day, a can of chicken soup washes up on shore.

The biologist suggests hitting it rocks until it opens. The engineer says that they can crack it when it starts to erode. The economist says, "Let's assume that there is a can opener."

Once there were five surgeons meeting for brunch to talk about who made the best patients to operate on.

The one from New York said, "I love the accountants on my table. Everything is numbered when you get inside."

The one from Chicago chimed in and said, "Nah, electricians are the best. Everything has a color code!"

Shaking his head, the one from Dallas said, "Librarians are the best. Everything is neat and in order."

The one from Los Angeles laughed and said, "Nope. Construction workers are the most fun. Those guys totally understand when there are a few parts left over."

Finally, the fifth surgeon from Washington, D.C., topped them all, "I've got you all beat. Politicians are the easiest. There are no guts, heart, balls, brain or spine. Best of all, the butt and head can be switched and no one would notice."

Hugo Chavez, Bin Laden and Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they see a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil, quite pathetic thing, by the way, tells them it is for calls to Earth.

Putin calls Russia for 10 minutes and the Devil tells him that call will be a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next, Bin Laden wants to call a friend in Saudi Arabia for 20 minutes. When he is done, the Devil tells him that will be 5 million dollars, so he writes him a check.

Finally, Hugo Chavez calls friends in Mexico who owe him money and talks for 4 hours. When he is done, the Devil tells him the cost is $5.

Bin Laden and Putin are infuriated and ask why he got to call so cheaply. The devil smiles and says, "Since the country has gone to hell because of the drug dealers, it's a local call."

Almost a billion seconds ago it was 1981. A billion minutes ago, the year was 112 A.D. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Old Stone Age, or the Lower Paleolithic era.

If you make one dollar every second, you will have a million dollars in twelve days. You will be a billionaire in 32 years. It will take you more than 31,000 years to make a trillion dollars. The politicians can spend that much in a Washington minute.

While she was "flying" down the road, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a not so funny cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that evil patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? Is it like a butt plug? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."

Traffic Ticket - $500.00
Court Costs - $100.00
Look on the Cop's Face?

PRICELESS!!!

Jacob's Law
If you lie and say you're late because you lost your wallet then the next day you really will lose your wallet.

Daniel's Law
If you're waiting in line and change lines, that line will become the longer line.

Tanner's Law
If the bubble bath is just right, the phone will ring.

Randy's Law
Your chances of running into someone you know increases when you're with someone you don't want to be seen with.

James' Law
The greatness of the itch is proportional to how hard to reach it is.

Sean's Law
People whose seats are in the middle will arrive latest.

Ken's Law
As soon as you bring your coffee to your desk, you boss will call you to talk about something until your coffee is cold.

Howard's Law
You will remember that you had bills to pay when you are near a mail box, but far from your house.

Jacob's Law
Hot glasses look just like cold ones.

One day, a woman calmly walked into a pharmacy and stated, in the most normal way ever, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "What possible reason do you cyanide for?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Oh, no! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! Don't you know what happens when people go to jail? Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "Why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"

Several thousand years ago, before HBO and Netflix, Moses told the children of Israel to pick up their shovels, mount your asses and camels to take them to the Promised Land.

When welfare was introduced over 75 years ago, Roosevelt in a text message to the people said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses and light up a Camel. This is the Promised Land."

I was do sad thinking about the horrible health care plans out there, the economy, fiscal cliff, the war in Afghanistan, the unrest in the Middle East, lost jobs, lost savings, Social Security, retirement funds and so on that I called a suicide hotline.

I pressed No.1 for English and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They said, "Great! Can you drive stick shift?"

My sex life is like a Porch...I don't have a Porch.

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he'll fix it. There's no need to remind him every six months about it.

I heard a guy complaining about his expensive wedding was. He is going to be real pissed when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost him.

Tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes.

My mother-in-law is coming. I had to clear my closet so she could have a place to hang upside down and sleep.

NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer or porn. This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars.

I once won an argument with a woman...in this dream I had.

I am writing a book about reverse psychology. Please don't buy it.

I tried to exercise, but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.

I want one of those jobs where people ask, "Do you actually get paid for doing that?"

Just remember, if your girlfriend or wife agrees to have a threesome and asks which of her friends you would pick, never give two names.

It is funny when my girlfriend gives me the "silent treatment." She thinks it is a punishment.

If there was a way to read a woman's mind, I'm not sure I would want to. I hate shoes, shopping gossip and I already know I'm annoying.

There's nothing worse than realizing the vacation you planned was the same week as her period.

Dear women who are awesome, sexy, smart and deeply in love with me... Please start existing.

Panties are just overpriced wrapping paper.

Whenever someone says to me, "You look familiar. Where have I seen you before?" I like to respond with "Do you watch porn?"

What do tornadoes and redneck divorces have in common? Someone's fixin' to lose their trailer.
What do rednecks call duct tape? Chrome.
Did you hear about the new 5 million dollar Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets 5 dollars a year for a million years.
Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? Because 17 and under are not admitted.
A new law was recently passed in Arkansas: When a couple gets a divorce they're still cousins.
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

Here is an interesting story of survival and a woman's encounter with a fierce animal.

What is the smallest caliber a woman can use to protect herself and still feel safe?

Some say it is the Beretta Jetfire, 25 caliber.

One woman tells us why:

While hiking in Alaska with my boyfriend, we stumbled upon a grizzly bear. My boyfriend wasn't the most chivalrous of men and took off without me. I mean, he practically pushed me out of the way for a head start.

Thinking back on the moment, I supposed the grizzly bear was just protecting her cubs, which led to this aggression.

All I can say is if weren't for my little Beretta, I wouldn't be here today to tell my story.

With just one shot, my handy pistol nicked the back of my boyfriend's knee, making him trip and tumble to the ground in a pile of fallen wood.

Since my boyfriend's departure of this world, the Beretta has become the favorite in my collection! I wish would own a gun when dating questionable men!

You've ever tried to drown a fish.

You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.

Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.

Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit

Him	Her	What she really wanted to write
Hi, what was the name of that wine you ordered the other night?	I forgot. Why are you asking?	ARE YOU AT THE BAR? Are you at the bar with another girl? How dare you! (sob) Please don't cheat on me.
Have fun.	thx	Are you mad? Why are you mad? I think we really need to talk about this! Call me?
Hey	Hey	Did you seriously just wake up? I bet your were texting some other girl.
I'm going to try that drink you ordered next time.	alright	You're at the bar with a girl right now, aren't you? You lying, cheating bastard!
Miss u	I miss you too.	Do you actually miss me, or is the "u" some kind of loop hole that doesn't mean "you" but more like you say you miss "x" or some other random bit of the alphabet. Do you even love me?

Here is a list of the funniest birthday wishes could find. So when your birthday comes along, maybe your heart will desire a funny birthday wish. Hopefully, no one will try to reverse your birthday wishes!

I wish my projects looked more like the ones on Pinterest.

I wish my dog would listen to me.

I wish to be thinner than my friends, even if that means fattening them up.

I wish women came with instructions, but then I remembered I don't read instructions.

I wish the fire department could come over to chat when I'm lonely and not just when the kitchen is on fire.

I wish babies had a snooze button.

A cartoonist was found dead in his apartment but the details are sketchy.

Jokes about German people happen to be the wurst.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went until it dawned on me.

Like everyone else, when chemists die, they barium.

I hated my beard at first, and then it grew on me.

A dinosaur with a fabulous vocabulary is a thesaurus.

When the toilets were stolen from the police bathroom, the place had nothing to go on.

Judge: What was the first thing your husband said?
Woman: He said, 'Where am I Jessica?'
Judge: Why did that anger you?
Woman: My name is Carol.

Judge: When is your birthday? Lady: June 5.
Judge: What year?
Lady: Every year.

Lawyer: The youngest girl, the 18-year-old. How old is she?
Witness: Eighteen. Like your IQ.
Lawyer: He had two kids, right?
Woman: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were girls?
Woman: None.
Lawyer: Were there any boys?
Woman: Your Honor, can I get a new lawyer?

Lawyer: How was your marriage ended?
Man: By death not a divorce card.
Lawyer: Whose death ended it?
Man: Take a wild guess.
Lawyer: Can you describe the attacker?
Woman: He was average height, and had a funny mustache.
Lawyer: Was it a male or female?
Woman: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.

Lawyer: Nurse, how many autopsies have you performed on death people?
Nurse: All of them. Live people put up too much of a fight.
Lawyer: Doctor, when you performed the autopsy, did you check the patient's pulse?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Blood pressure?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: So it is possible the man was alive when you started the autopsy.
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure?
Doctor: Because his brain was in a separate box.
Lawyer: But the patient could have been alive nevertheless?
Doctor: Yes, and he could be going to law school

One morning, a mother was shocked to see her son had made her a cup of coffee. After drinking the most dreadful cup of coffee in her life, she was surprised to see three little, green army figurines in her cup. She turned to her son and asked, "Billy, why are these army men in my coffee?"

Her son smiled and said, "It's like the commercial. They say the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"

My gynecologist scheduled for a morning appointment. I got there half an hour early. I like to make sure I'm extra clean "down there." Before I left, I grabbed a washcloth by the sink, gave myself a quick wash, put on some clothes, got in the car, raced over. I was waiting a few minutes when I was called, I got on the table, when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"

I went home and my 6-year-old son asked, "Mom, where's my washcloth? It was the one by the sink; it had all my glitter saved inside it."

An old nun, a cute Swedish girl, an American guy, and a Frenchman are all in a train car. The train goes into a dark tunnel and all 4 hear a slap. When they emerge, no one says a word but the Frenchman has a red hand print across his face.

The funny nun thinks that the Frenchman groped the Swedish girl, so she slapped him.

The Swedish girl thinks that the Frenchman tried groping her, but groped the nun instead, so the nun slapped him.

The Frenchman thinks the American groped the French girl and she mistakenly slapped him instead.

The lazy American is hoping there will be more tunnels so he can slap the Frenchman again.

If a hammer can't fix then it's an electrical problem.

A mother went to wake up her daughter Monday morning.

"It's time for school," the mother said.

"But I don't want to go!" the daughter said.

"Give me two reasons why!" the mother said.

"For starters, the teachers hate me and the students hate me," the daughter said.

"That's no reason," said the mother. "Give me two reasons why I should go."

"Let's see, you're 52 and you're a teacher," the daughter said.

A magician is walking down the street Monday morning and turns into a bar.

If each day is a gift, I want to know where to return Mondays.

The only thing worse than Monday, is a Monday without coffee.

I hate Monday. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I haven't had such a bad Monday since last Monday.

Tuesday is a day to show you that you somehow survived Monday.

There once was a woman who had to give up her twins for adoption. One of the twins was adopted by an Egyptian family and named Amal and the other by a Spanish family and named Juan.

Years later, Juan sends her a birthday card online with his picture. The other opens up the funny e card and tells her husband that she wishes she had a picture of the other son as well.

Her husband asks why and says, "They are identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark was leaving next Thursday.

Sincerely, Unicorns

---

Dear Twilight fans,
Vampires are dead and have no blood pumping in their bodies; they can never get an erection.

Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic and Vampire Jokes

---

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming thing. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely, The Titanic (a funny ship)

---

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely, Canada

---

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! It!" Just saying.

Sincerely, Google and Yelp Jokes

---

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.

Sincerely, That Little Triangle In The Middle

---

Dear Other Planets Jealous of Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it. Take that, No Birthday Planets!

Sincerely, God

---

Dear Fox News,
I have been watching for five years now, and still no news about foxes.

Sincerely, Unimpressed

---

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color. Fuck you.

Sincerely, Blacks

---

Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.

Sincerely, Parents Everywhere

---

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Chinese.

Sincerely, Funny Chinese Restaurant Works Everywhere

---

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.What now?

Sincerely, Leonardo Di Caprio

---

Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?

Sincerely, Native American Cartoons

---

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking my curse words into different words. You piece of shut.

Sincerely, Every iPhone User Ever and Funny Texts

---

Old Ms.Robinson went out into her backyard to do some gardening when she heard some noise coming from the yard next door. She peered over the fence and saw that her neighbour's little daughter was digging a hole.

"Sally what are you doing with that shovel?" asked Ms.Robinson.

"My funny goldfish died, so I'm burying him." replied young Sally.

"Oh that's tragic. I'm very sorry for your loss. But why are you digging such a big hole for your goldfish?"

"Because your stupid cat ate it!"

1. 1-man salute
2. 7.4 on the Rectum scale
3. Acid-rain maker
4. After the thunder comes the rain
5. Air bagel
6. Airbrush your boxers
7. Anal acoustics
8. Anal ahem
9. Anal audio
10. Anal salute
11. Anal volcano
12. Arse blast
13. Ass blaster
14. Ass-scented methane
15. Ass biscuit
16. Ass thunder
17. Ass whistle
18. A turd whistling for the right of way
19. Backdoor breeze
20. Backfire
21. Bad sprinkling
22. Baking brownies
23. Barking spiders
24. Bean blower
25. Beep your horn
26. Belch from behind
27. Better open a window
28. Blast off
29. Blast the chair
30. Blasting the ass trumpet
31. Blat
32. Blow ass
33. Blow mud
34. Blow the big brown horn
35. Blowing the butt bugle
36. Blowing you a kiss
37. Bomber
38. Bottom blast
39. Bottom burp
40. Break the sound barrier without a plane
41. Break wind
42. Breath of fresh air
43. Brown horn brass choir
44. Brown thunder
45. Bun shaker
46. Burnin' rubber
47. Buster
48. Busting ass
49. Butt bleat
50. Butt burp
51. Butt hair harmony
52. Butt percussion
53. Butt trauma
54. Butt trumpet
55. Butt tuba
56. Buttock bassoon
57. Cheek flapper
58. Cheesin'
59. Colonic calliope
60. Crack a rat
61. Crack one off
62. Crack splitters
63. Crimp off some breakfast biscuits
64. Crop dusting (surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust)
65. Crowd splitter
66. Cut a stinker
67. Cut loose
68. Cut the cheese
69. Cut the wind
70. Death Breath
71. Deflate
72. Doing the one-cheek sneak
73. Doorknob
74. Drop a barking spider
75. Drop a bomb
76. Drop ass
77. Dropped a bomb
78. Eggy farts
79. Empty my tank
80. Exercising the meat nozzle (not sure if this one doesn't belong in a different category)
81. Exploding bottom
82. Explosion between the legs
83. Exterminate
84. Fart
85. Fire a stink torpedo
86. Fire the retro-rocket
87. Firing scud missiles
88. Fizzler
89. Flame thrower
90. Flamer
91. Flapper
92. Flatulate
93. Flatulence
94. Flatus
95. Flipper
96. Float an air biscuit
97. Floof
98. Fluffy
99. Fog slicer
100. Fowl howl

One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the funny golf course we were at heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's Jack, and I'm all right, thanks," I replied.

"Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy with some driving and putting lessons, I thanked my hostess.

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!" I said.

Once there was a rich mother who wanted to test her three sons-in-law.

She invited her first son-in-law to walk with her along the lake. She fell into the lake and pretended to be drowning. The brave son-in-law jumped into the lake and saved her without a second thought. The next day there was new car in his driveway with a message across the windshield that said, "Thanks, from your mother-in-law."

The following day, she decided to test the second son-in-law by taking him to the lake. She fell in again, he saved her and he also found a new car in his driveway that said, "Thanks, your mother-in-law."

Finally it was time to test the last son in law. She fell into the lake and he didn't lift a finger and let her drown.

The following day, he also found a car, a sports car, in his driveway that said, "Thanks, from your father-in-law."

One day, a son asked his mother why brides wore white wedding dresses when the groom, maid of honor, bridesmaids and groomsmen all wore black or other colors.

"The white means your bride is pure," the mother said.

The son, not satisfied with her answer, asked his father.

"Son, this is because all new house appliances come in white," the father said before being placed in intensive care. His outlook is not good.

One day, a man decided to find the perfect woman, settle down, and get married because he wanted perfect children. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well" said the man, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant for graduation when you met her."

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up men? Because a man who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and yells, "Babe, pack your bags. I won the lottery."

The boyfriend says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"

She says, "I don't care...Just get the hell out."

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:
1. Women
2. Fractions

Adam goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Adam," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith. "I knew I could count on you!"

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

A woman worries about the future until she gets a funny husband card.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee. She thought about getting a boob lift.

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained a man to his wife as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied

Ted and Jane a met on a romantic singles cruise. Ted was head over heels for Jane.

When they found out they lived in the same city they were excited to see where it would go.

The first thing he did when they got home was to ask her out. Within a month's time, they had gone to the movies, dinners, walks on the beach, amusement parks, concerts and dance clubs. Every day was better than the one before and Ted knew this was his soul mate.

On the one-month anniversary of their first meeting in the ship, Ted asked Jane to go to a fine-dining restaurant.

Ted told her, I guess you already know how much I like you. I'd like to have a serious talk with you before we decided to take our relationship to the next level. Before I take out this box, and ask you a very important question, I have to warn you that I'm a golf fanatic. I play golf, read about it, watch golf and every day golf is there for me. If that is a problem, you have to say it now."

Jane shook her head and said, "That's not a problem. Since we're being totally honest here, I have to tell you something too. For the past five years, I have been a hooker."

Ted smiled and said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year or two of dating he decides it's time to propose. So he heads to her father's house to ask his permission to sniff the bride.

"Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand,"

A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?"

The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, it's just that mine have gotten tired."

I recently started dating a girl in a wheelchair and I stood her up.

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex drugs and rock and roll?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I don't like drug and rock and roll. As for sex, I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked, "Is that one word or two?"

A wife notices her funny husband is missing from their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"

The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses... The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us parked and fucking the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'"

"I remember that, too" she replied softly...

He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

A man walks into a high-scale restaurant. Not like that low class, bean restaurant he went to last week.

He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them. He asks the waiter, "How much is the fettuccini alfredo?"

The waiter says, "A penny."

The man exclaims, "A penny? How much for a steak?"

The waiter says, "A dime."

The man is shocked, "Are you serious?? Where's the man that owns this place? I'd like to shake his hand!"

The waiter answers, "He's upstairs with my wife."

Confused, the man asks, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The waiter smiles and says, "The same thing I'm doing down here to his business."

Three friends haven't seen each other in years, but Sue, Mary and Jan find each other online.

Sue suggested that they meet for brunch after sharing some Christmas e cards.

At lunch, Jan is first wearing her tan Versace skirt. While waiting for them, she orders Pinot Grigio.

Next Jan arrives in a gray Chanel outfit.

Finally Mary comes in torn blue jeans and an old shirt. She shares their wine.

Jan brings them up to date on her life. After high school she attended Oxford University and married a man named Timothy, who was part of a leading law firm in the UK. They live in a fabulous apartment and a second home in Spain.

Sue mentioned that she attended Cambridge University, went to medical school and was a leading surgeon. She married a man named Clive, an investment banker. They live in the UK with a second home in Italy.

Mary tells them she ran away with her boyfriend Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can hold five parrots, side-by-side, on his penis.

Halfway through their second bottle of wine, Jan confesses that her hubby is really a cashier and they live in a small apartment in Bromley. In fact, she is living out of the van parked in the parking lot.

Sue confuses that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

An older couple had finally switched to smart phones and started texting each other.

The wife, who was a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a lovely text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

Think snapping off a bra is a cinch? This bra joke says otherwise and challenges you. How well are your bra snapping skills? Do you get stuck on medium or are you an expert? Remember, the greater the challenge, the sweeter the reward!

Married life is hard. My wife is back on her warpath. Just last night she said she wanted to make a sex move and when I suggested that we hold auditions suddenly, I'm the bad guy! This marriage was a mistake!

Sometimes my wife would ask how many other women I slept with and I told her, "Only you." All the others had kept me awake at night, after all.

We got in a fight and I left the house. She said she wished me a long, cold, painful death to which I replied, "Why are you asking me to come back in?"

My sister-in-law also broke my glasses when she sat on them, which was completely my fault. I should have taken them off.

After bouts of depression, the wife and I decided to do a suicide pack. Strangely enough, after she took her final breath, life didn't seem so bad. Screw, I'll soldier on, I told myself after taking a shower.

I felt something was wrong though. I got to the kitchen and saw breakfast had not been made. I was sad until I remembered McDonald's served breakfast until 11:30 a.m.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to be a housewife and do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from WALES . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see alittle out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Daniel."

All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a half dollar coin and it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says, "You're married to a millionaire. You live in an six-bedroom mansion. You drive a $250,000 Ferrari. You get a weekly $2,000 allowance. You take four vacations a year and you want to throw all that away...Over 45 cents?"

So two true blondes were analyzing some tracks. The first one insisted they were rabbit prints, while the second blonde was certain they were made by a raccoon. Back and forth they argued, rabbit tracks, raccoon tracks, rabbit tracks. Then they got hit by a train.

A natural blonde is on the way to Dallas and she is sitting in first class when she has a ticket for coach. While she is reading a magazine, the flight attendant confronts her and says, "Excuse me, ma'am, you have a coach ticket, and you are sitting in first class. Could you please move to coach?"

She puts down her magazine, looks at her in the eyes, and says, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm sitting in first class and I'm going to Dallas."

She continues reading her magazine.

The flight attendant calls the co-pilot to talk to her. The co-pilot confronts her and says, "I'm the co-pilot of this plane, and I'm happy to hear you're excited to be going to Dallas, but could you please move to coach? You don't have a first-class seat."

She puts down her magazine, looks at him in the eyes, and says, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm sitting in first class and I'm going to Dallas."

She continues reading her magazine.

The co-pilot, furious and not knowing what to do, gets the captain and asks if he can talk to her. The captain gets up and talks to the woman. The woman grabs her bags and moves to coach. He returns to the co-pilot.

The co-pilot asks, "How did you get her to move? We've tried talking to her but nothing happened. What did you say?"

The captain responded saying, "I told her first class isn't going to Dallas."

What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A golden retriever.

A funny blonde, a brunette and a redhead, all pregnant are waiting for their OBGYNs in a hospital and they are chatting about what motherhood is going to be like. The talk drifts to whether they think their respective babies will be boys or girls.

"Well," said the redhead, "I wouldn't be surprised if I had a boy, since whenever my partner and I have sex, he's always on top and I heard that makes for a boy."

The brunette says, "If that's the case, then I must be going to have a girl, since when my partner and I have sex, I'm always on top."

The blonde starts to sniffle, then bursts out crying. The other two ask her what's wrong.

"Oh, no!" the blonde wails. "I'm going to have a puppy!"

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke about ice cream?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A man tells his blonde wife that he is going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets the store, he finds out its closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and starts talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and the next thing he knows he's in the girl's apartment and having quite the time. The next thing he knows it was 3 o' clock.

"Oh my god my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick, give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he gets home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been?"

He says, "Well, to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this girl, and slept with her."

"Let me see your hands!" she demands.

He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

An Irishman, a blond, and a Mexican are working at a construction site. They break for lunch. The Irishman says,"Corned beef and cabbage again?! I swear if I get this for lunch one more time, I'll throw myself off the top of this building!"

The Mexican says, "Enchiladas again?! If I get this for lunch one more time, I'll jump off the top of this building!"

The blond man says, "Peanut butter and jelly again?! If I get this for lunch one more time, I'll jump off the top of this building!"

The next day, they all opened their lunches to find the same damn thing as yesterday, and they all fell to their deaths. At the funeral, their wives were all deeply mourning their losses. The Mexican's wife says, "If I'd known he wanted something different, I could have made him tacos instead."

The Irishman's wife says "If I'd known he was sick of corned beef and cabbage, I could've made him anything else."

They both look at the blond's wife, who says, "Hey, don't look at me, he made his own lunch!"

There was this blonde woman who was heavy in debt. She got a letter in the mail saying that if she didn't pay her bills soon the bank would repossess her business. Not knowing what to do, she prayed.

"Please, God," she said. "Let me win the lottery so I'll have the money to keep my business."

She didn't win the lottery though and the bank ended up taking her business. The next week she got another letter in the mail saying that if she didn't pay her bills the bank would take her house. Again, the woman prayed.

"Please God. Let me win the lottery so I can keep my house."

Again, she didn't win the lottery and the bank kicked her out of her house. Now she is living in her car. Without mercy, a bank representative told her that if she didn't pay her bills they would take her car as well. She decides to pray one more time.

"Please God. Let me win the lottery so I can put my life back together again."

All of a sudden the clouds parted and God spoke to her.

"Work with me, girl. Buy a friggin' lottery ticket!"

A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up you lying, cheating bastard! You're next!"

A girl tells her blonde sister that she slept with a Brazilian. The blonde replies, "OMG! Are you a slut?! How many is a Brazilian?"

There is a brunette, a redhead and a blonde in front of the gateway to heaven waiting to get in heaven. In order for them to enter, they must climb 100 steps of stairs. They may take 1 step at a time whenever God tells them a joke and they cannot laugh, otherwise they will fall down and have to start over. The redhead falls down on the 20th stair, the brunette falls down on the 80th stair, and the blonde falls down on the 99th stair. God then asks the blonde, "You were so close! Why did you laugh?" And the blonde woman answered, "I just got the first joke!"

A blonde heard that a nice milk bath would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to bring her 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the message, he was sure it had to be a mistake. He figured she meant 2.5 gallons of milk so he decided to ask.

The blonde came to the door and he asked if she meant 2.5 gallons.

"No, I need 25 gallons," the blonde said. "I will look gorgeous and young again."

The milkman asked if she wanted it pasteurized.

"No, as long as it goes up to my boobs. I can splash it in my eyes."

There was a blonde who was wearing an unusually tight short skirt. She didn't realize how short and tight it was until she went to the bus stop. As she approached the steps, she noticed she wouldn't be able to take a step up without unzipping the back of her skirt a little.

She smiled at the bus driver and tried to take a step, but her leg wouldn't reach. Embarrassed, she smiled again and reached behind her and tried to unzip it a bit more.

Still, she couldn't step up. She sighed and as she was about to unzip it one more time, the man behind her picked her up and carried her onto the bus.

The blonde screamed and said, "What do you think you're doing? What do you think gives you the right to touch me?"

"Well, ma'am," the man said, "you already unzipped my pants, so I figured we were already acquainted."

On a partially cold winter morning, a husband and wife in New York had the radio on during breakfast. The announcer said, "We will have 7 to 10 inches of snow today. Everyone needs to park on the even-numbered side of the street for the snow plows.

The wife went out and parked the car on the other side.

A few days later there was another announcement to park cars on the odd-numbered side, so she did.

A week after that, there was another storm warning people to park cars but the transmission went out early, "We are expecting a heavy snowfall. Everyone must park their cars..."

The power went out.

She looked at her husband and said, "What should I do? How do I know it's the same side?"

Then the man, who will all the love and turmoil that comes with being married to a blonde asked, "Why don't you just park it in our garage this time?"

The owner of a traveling circus puts out an ad for a lion tamer and two applicants came to be interviewed. The first one was a retired golf instructor in his 60s with a funny lion card and the other was a blonde bombshell in her 20s.

The circus owner tells them both that the lion was terrible and maimed the last tamer. He gave them both a chair, whip and a gun.

The blonde says she's going first. She walks past the chair, whip and gun and goes right into the cage. The lion charges at her and she flips her coat open. She has nothing on. The lion stops and licks her feet and sits down.

The owner says he has never seen anything quite like that. He asks the golfer if he can top that.

"Sure, but first get rid of the lion," he says.

A funny Mexican guy, a Russian guy, and a Canadian guy are in a waiting room to be called in for an office job interview at a fortune 500 company.

The Mexican is called into the manager's office first.

The manager is a good-looking looking guy, but he was born without ears. Guess he can't wear earrings. The Mexican takes a seat.

"For this job, we need someone observant. Tell me, what's something you observe about me?" asks the manager.

The Mexican says, "You don't have fucking ears!"

The manager gets furious and kicks him out of his office.

Next, the Russian is called into the manager's office.

"We need employees who are very observant for this job," says the manager. "To test your observational skills, tell me something you observe about me."

"You've got no fucking ears!" says the Russian. Again, the manager throws him out of his office.

Both the Russian and the Mexican make sure to tell the Canadian guy, who was still waiting in the waiting room that the manager is going to ask him to make an observation about him. They warn him, though, because he's very sensitive about being born without ears and not to bring it up.

The Canadian guy gets called into the manager's office.

"I need to test your observational skills before thinking about giving you a job," says the manager. "What's something you observe about me?"

Flustered, the Canadian guy says, "Hmm, you're wearing contact lenses."

Surprised, the manager asks, "How did you know that?"

The Canadian guy replied, "How the hell would you wear glasses? You've got no fucking ears!"

"Get the hell out of my office!"

One day the IRS decides to audit Sam in the middle of Sam's quest of sending funny e birthday cards. The auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with an attorney and a handful of funny bday cards he will later mail to friends.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have a lavish lifestyle and no real employment, which you explain by saying that you win gambling. The IRS finds that unbelievable."

"I'm a fantastic gambler, and I can prove it," says Sam. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay Go ahead."

Sam says, "I'll bet you a hundred dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Sam removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Sam replies, "Now, I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Sam isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Sam takes out his dentures and bites his good eye

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand with Sam's attorney watching. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to make it interesting?" Sam asks.

"I'll bet you three thousand dollars that I can stand beside one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Sam stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, resulting in him urinating all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss in to a huge win, but Sam's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Sam told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."